I’ve always dreamed of the day when I would go into labor. My water would break at the most random time, and I’d rush to the hospital and deliver my child with a couple of pushes here and there, and boom he’d be out crying and laying on my chest. I’d cry happy tears…seemed perfect. My delivery went NOTHING like that. I was due on January 4th of 2017. Keaton decided that he would take his sweet time and stayed put until the 6th. I remember that day vividly. My husband and I took a walk around our neighborhood to try to get him to budge; we even went to the grocery store to get a whole pineapple for me to eat the core which is supposed to stimulate your stomach and causes your uterus to contract. I would like to say that it didn’t work, BUT around dinner time on the 6th, I started to feel some really strong contractions. I had eaten salmon for dinner and threw it right up. The pains were so strong we called our nurse triage and they recommended coming in because I was in fact in labor. Now, at this point, I’m getting ready to leave for my hospital stay. My bag packed already, so I showered and we headed to the hospital. Just our luck there was a crazy ice storm beginning to hit our area. When we got to the hospital the nurse told us that the contractions had slowed down, and they were about to send me home. Luckily because of the storm I had to stay. I was admitted and started my pitocin, and everything was going smooth; it was also going so slow. I couldn’t take the pain; I broke down and took the epidural. I felt better, but still nothing.

On January 7th during my 22nd hour of labor and being 8cm dilated, my doctor told me that it would be best if I had a C-Section. Keaton had completely stalled out and his head was getting elongated in my cervix from the contractions and he just wasn’t progressing down. Hearing that I would have to have the C-Section was like a dagger to my heart in this moment. After I’ve numbed the lower part of my body once to relieve natural birthing pains, I now have to get yet another epidural for MAJOR SURGERY??!! I was A HOT MESS. I had seen so many nurses come and go as their shifts changed I knew that it had been awhile and I needed to just go ahead and get him out. I went to surgery, all the lights, and the people are there but you see nothing but a blue cloth and you just feel the tugging and pulling of your stomach. It’s a feeling like no other. My body was also trembling and I was freezing cold. Once I heard Keaton, I think I shed a few tears. Happy that he was here and healthy, but traumatized at what I had been through. We all know how this story ends with a healthy baby, but man what it took to get there.

To say that having the C-Section affected me in a negative way post-partum is an understatement. I’ve never talked about this so openly but the time is now. There are so many women who have gone through and will go through what I went through. No one prepared me for the idea of having a c-section. No one told me that after I had the surgery that they would lay my child on my chest and expect me to hold him tight, but I couldn’t feel him because my body was so numb. No one told me that if I had a C-section, I would not be able to walk comfortably for a while, laugh, or simply use the restroom because my abdominal strength pretty much no longer existed.

Going home from the hospital seemed like I was getting back to normal. Nope, try again. I was troubled by my inability to move and react quickly to my son’s needs. Frustrated, I began falling into depression. I cried everyday. EVERYDAY! I was asked so many times, “Do you think you are suffering from post-partum depression?”. I denied and continued denying it. Me? Depressed?? No way! I have my beautiful son, my husband, and my health. Why would I be depressed? Looking back now, I wish that I wouldn’t have placed parameters around my delivery, and to expect the unexpected. I think that also played a part in my sadness. But you know what, God is amazing and he helped me remove that sadness, and I began to think about this beautiful new life that came from my body. C-section or natural birth; it truly does not matter! Something about the “fairytale” pregnancy needs to end. Looking back, I wouldn’t have changed my story for anything. It’s taught me so much about myself and has given me strength like never before.